First thing that comes to my mind is that I was not committed to write the journal not even the first 4 days. Yesterday passed fast and I was so busy I didn’t had time to actually be hungry. Last night I had another realization, another eye opening thought came to my mind. I have discovered why I want so much recognition and support from people around me, and specially from my partner.
I am the youngest daughter of 5 and everybody always said that this exact detail made me the spoiled one too. But I started to remember moments from my childhood that have nothing to do with a spoiled child.
I was 5 years old and I remember watching TV with my family. It was a kids karaoke show about my age. I always like to sing and I was doing it at home in front of my family. In the middle of a nice blonde girl´s performance my mother said with a mocking, challenging voice:
“See, see how good she sings? You don’t sing, she sing, you don´t have the guts to sing”
Years after she told me it was her way of pumping me up, to give me a push to pursue that dream.
On my 8th birthday, my entire family forgot it was my birthday, 4 sisters and 2 parents , 6 people with whom I was sharing my life with forgot about me. I didn´t told anyone anything till next day. My mother said: “So what we forgot? Don´t you see we are very busy. Its not such a big deal.”
Few years later on a Sunday afternoon my oldest sister who is 14 years older then me, so probably she was around 23-24(I am pointing the age out to explain it was not a teenager or a child that said these words) she started a conversation about how different I am saying:
“Don´t you see that you are blonde and none of us are? Don´t you see how emotional and hysterical you are? We didn’t wanted to tell you this but you are adopted”
They all laugh
“Your don´t belong to this family, we adopted you”
And i think she came up with a story about where I was adopted from which I don’t remember because by the time she reached this point of the sorry I couldn’t breath of crying. I had to leave the room.
I think there are more memories like these… but I don´t seem to remember them. I have huge memory gaps. I don’t really remember one of my sisters(Z.). I don´t remember her face, I don´t remember a single conversation. She is 11 years older then be, we must have had a conversation in our lives. This worries me because something must had happen for me to delete her from my memories.
So going back to what I realized. I know now that I am in such a big need for recognition and support because I never had it from my family. I used to think my dad was a monster… well, monster can have a lot of shapes.
And about the cleanse, well I didn´t had the salted water for 3 days so haven’t made nº2 during this time. I must do it tomorrow in order to eliminate the toxins.
And yes I lost 3 kg , but as you can see is the least important.
This morning I had finally some free time, I slept more and contacted with a very good friend of mine who happens to be living far away. I haven’t seen her for more then 14 years…. we went to school together and a few years ago we found each other on Facebook.
We started talking about spirituality and realized that our lives went in complete parallelism. She told me that a Reiki practitioner told her about twin souls and what they are she admitted to the woman that she had been thinking about this since she was a child. She said that probably its me.
I had to Google what this is so I found in www.keen.com
a community web a girl that describes it like this:
“Twin Flames are literally the other half of your soul. You can only have one. At some point, in the cosmic scheme of things, your soul divided into 2 halves. We all come here, essentially, searching for that missing half of our soul, feeling a certain emptiness without it. One half of that soul would be you, and the other half is your twin flame. In most incarnations, twin flames come in as one masculine and one feminine, so that if they find each other, they will be able to most easily draw together to become one again. However, do not be fooled into believing that you will always find your twin flame in the opposite sex, or even here on earth this lifetime. From one lifetime to the next, your twin flame and you could appear in many forms for many reasons.” by Valerie Renee
To read the entire article click here.
So spiritually I kinda understood and found my lost half.
Physically I made my salted water flush this morning which I was postponing for 3 days for lack of time and I eliminated a LOT of residue that my colon had long kept inside.
I haven’t weighted myself today and either yesterday and I will not that for the next 2 days.
So I don’t know how much i lost until now.